Darius Foroux
When I started writing over a decade ago, I was eager to connect with other authors.
I read books about how important it is to build a network. I also read online advice about how to connect with your peers so you can grow together.
In my experience, this is bad advice.
From all the people that I’ve connected with and became “online friends” with, there’s only one guy I still talk to.
The rest were all insincere.
And I don’t blame anyone because this is the culture that we’ve created.
The internet does not reward honesty
Social media used to be a place where you connected with people that you actually knew. Then, Facebook changed the game.
The Facebook feed stopped being about your friends and started showing you all kinds of content. This changed everything. The platforms realized that if they showed you content that triggered you, you would stay on the app longer.
The goal moved from connection to attention. And we all know the formula: Attention equals money.
This progressed quickly. YouTube creators started optimizing for views. Instagram became a race to show the most perfect, filtered life. TikTok turned everything into a 15-second hit of dopamine.
I often hear people say that long-form podcasts are the exception. They think that because someone talks for three hours, they are being “real.”
That’s not true. Long-form is just another way to capture attention.
The business model is the same. The podcast exists to sell advertising. A long list of multi-million dollar companies was built entirely on the back of podcast ads.
The hosts are rewarded for how many eyeballs they get, not for how honest they are. When money is the primary metric, sincerity is the first thing to go.
The creators reflect the values of the culture
We shouldn’t be surprised that creators are insincere. They are simply responding to the environment. If the culture values attention above all else, creators will do whatever it takes to get it.
They are incentivized to only talk to people who can help them grow. This isn’t a moral judgment. It is just the reality of how the creator economy works.
Early on, I tried to “network” like everyone else. I quickly realized that most interactions were purely transactional.
People didn’t want to exchange ideas or talk about the craft of writing. They wanted to know:
How many subscribers do you have?
Can you share my link?
How can I get to where you are?
Can we work together?
If you aren’t playing that game, you have no value to them.
I learned this first around 2016. I started a podcast back then, before it was a normal thing to do. I had the chance to interview some high-profile authors I really admired.
It was disappointing. The people I met were nothing like the personas they projected online.
If you look up my podcast, you will see that I stopped doing interviews at some point because it was just about having superficial conversations.
There is an old saying: Don’t meet your heroes.
It is 100% true. Most of the time, the person you see on the screen is a carefully constructed brand.
Underneath that brand is usually someone who is just as stressed, insecure, and transactional as everyone else.
I prefer to hang out with my “boring” friends who don’t have anything to sell. To normal folks. Because no matter how much success I’ve had as an author, I still see myself like that.
Sincerity will always be a contrarian strategy
This sounds cynical, but I’m actually optimistic. Just because most people are playing a fake game doesn’t mean you have to.
There are enough sincere people out there. They just aren’t the ones screaming for your attention.
The reason I’m thinking about this right now is that I’m working on a new book. It’s a collection of letters I’m writing to my unborn son. I’m writing him a letter every day until he’s born, sharing the things I think he needs to know about life.
One of those letters is called “Everyone on the internet lies.”
I want him to understand this early. If you know that 99.9% of what you see on social media is fake, you stop comparing yourself to it. You will look at social media the same way you look at a movie or TV show.
You don’t feel bad that your life isn’t as perfect as a stranger’s Instagram feed. You don’t feel “behind” because a 22-year-old on YouTube claims to be a millionaire.
You also don’t feel bad when you watch a movie, right?
When you stop looking for validation from a culture that doesn’t value honesty, you can finally focus on what matters.
You can focus on your own work, your own family, and your own character.
In a world where everyone is performing, being yourself is the only way to stand out.
It’s a strategy that probably won’t make you super rich, but it’s the only one that lets you sleep at night.
